Reading Habits of the Elderly

WARNING: THIS POST IS NOT FUNNY. DEPRESSING ENTRY AHEAD. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

A Note Posted in the Mail Room of My Apartment Building:

Mrs. F. Smith residing in apartment 25 has been forced to move into a senior’s home due to medical reasons. She was an avid reader, but was unable to take her books with her. She has asked us (the management) to make her library available to S— Place residents.

I always wonder about the lives of the elderly. Look at sentence number two: She was an avid reader. I looked through her books: there are at least 30 murder mystery novels. Can’t you just see it? It’s such a cliché: little old lady (literally, she’s probably about five-foot-two) in a floral patterned armchair, maybe there are some snacks next to her (chocolates if she can still digest it, dry toast if she can’t), reading Agatha Christie novels. Maybe she got a kick out of the passion and violence, maybe it reminded her of when she was young and felt everything more desperately? Or maybe she enjoyed solving the mystery, maybe she was a quick-witted old bird?

In any case, here was a woman, no more than four-foot-nine inches tall, who clearly loved to read (a woman after my own heart, despite the murder mysteries) and was forced to give up that pleasure, perhaps the last pure pleasure she could indulge in, by what?

Can you tell that I’m terribly troubled by this? The thought of this three-foot-seven old lady, staring out the window, wasting away because she has nothing more to live for, not even the crumbs from Agatha Christie’s table, is very disheartening.

On the other hand, people might say that by offering her books to the residents of S— Place, she is somehow spreading her love of reading. Some might say this is a way (albeit a passive way) to remain a part of the reading process, to make literature available to others (in a sort of prehistoric, Googlesque fashion), to create a sense of community. Those people might be right, but I, personally, cannot help but think of what it might have cost this tiny, 2-foot tall woman.

I leave it to you, gentle readers, to choose the image that suits you best.

Alley Urinaction 11:50 pm

For once, L's watchdog habit--the one that sends him rushing to the windows, ready to pounce at the slightest noise--paid off.

L, his brother K (hi K!), and I were gathered round our TV watching CTV news (specifically, the sports anchor's floppy ears) when L suddenly went stiff, listened for a moment, then hurried to the window.

"Holy Shit!" he shouted, "some chicks are peeing!"

They say when something terrible happens to you there are five stages
through which you pass: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

When first I heard that girls were peeing in my parking lot, I didn't believe it. Then I saw them squatting in our extremely well lit lot, which really pissed me off (no pun intended). Then I thought, God, if you erase my memory, I promise to devote myself to knitting a scarf for Jesus. Then I wondered what the world was comming to--how could these girls be so stupid as to pee in such a well lit area when it is quite illegal in our great city? Why didn't they seek out a dark, leafy spot? Finally, I accepted their stupidity, opened the window, and yelled:

"THAT'S DISGUSTING!!"

The girls ran, and I had some closure.


True story.

Ode to Late Night Snacks

eggo, v. To eggo. From the Latin? No, no-- Hungarian.

Get it? No? Well, then, consider this:

Midnight waffles:
Toasty
Syrup pools,
Crispy crannies
all the sweeter for the anachronism.

Needy

Once upon a time, I used my blog to procrastinate. Now, even blogging is half-assed; therefore, I present you with...

YET ANOTHER LIST (Hooray! Yipee!)

So, Kate, my Edwardian sister, sent me insult hunting on Google, and this is what I found. Should you wish to demean yourself publically in a simmilar manner, you have only to type your name plus the word "needs" into Google ( i.e. "Daniela needs") to compile your very own list. On with the show:

TOP 5 THINGS DANIELA NEEDS


5. "Daniela needs mental help – and she needs it now."
4. "Daniela needs to disappear."
3. "Daniela needs increased potassium fertilization."
2. "Daniela needs another beer."
1. "Daniela needs a better education. What a fucking idiot."


Okay, so I am unloved, undersexed, unintelligent, completely insane, and not drunk enough to make it all funny.

Good night everybody, tune in next week for more quality entertainment.

Six Things I Just Don't "Get" (This title is simple and to the point. At least it was until I added this bit. Hey! I should add verbosity to my list!)

David Hutton (interestingly, his name means mother fucker in Swahili) has challenged me to list five things that people in my circle of friends or peer group are wild about, but that I can’t really understand the fuss over. But, since I am a rebel through and through, I have listed SIX, not FIVE. Take that.

1. Uninformed, band-wagon hating: Anyone who knows me knows how I feel about the current US government, but if you’re just going to hate it because it seems cool to hate it, without having any sense of history, or any understanding of the country, or without having ever even lived there—just do us all a favor and limit your comments to celebrity gossip. Let me just ask you all this: are there any perfect countries? I mean, in the history of humanity, is there any nation or kingdom or land that you can point to as the paragon of human justice and morality? NO. So stop judging an entire country by what its inept politicians do, lest you be judged according to Stephen Harper’s latest attempt to “improve” the Charter of Rights and Freedoms, honey. Don’t be no hatah, be a love makah.

2. Car love: No, not car lovin’, which I can get behind, but people who love cars. They are just machines, intended to transport you from one location to another. Do we write elegies to mules or oxen? No. So why are we gushing over the Camaro LS 5000? It’s merely an inefficient workhorse (you couldn’t even fit all your groceries in one of those things).

3. Celebrity gossip on the news: This one should speak for itself. Why CTV has a 5min segment on Charles and Camila’s visit to the U.S., I cannot tell you. Did anything happen during this visit? No, not so much as one drunken streaking. I don’t know why they bothered.

4. Weddings: I am not referring to marriage here, just to be clear. It’s the ten-thousand dollar wedding I object to. Can you imagine what kind of a honeymoon you could have with that many bones? Duuuuude.

5. People who don’t have a TV: What’s the only thing worse than a hippie? A luddite. (haha, just kidding luddite friends! Please don’t beat me with clubs or stones you found on the ground that have not been carved or shaped in any way by humans?!)

6. Vitamins: If you aren’t getting all the vitamins and minerals you need from your diet…maybe you should change your diet? Unless you have some kind of illness that requires additional vitamin intake, I really don’t see the point. Plus they’re expensive. I’d rather spend my money on something I can actually use: shoes.


I challenge Kate and Lyla (the only other bloggers I know who haven't already made a list). Since tradition requires that I challenge a third person, I shall issue this double challenge to Lindell: not only must you create a list, but you must also create your own blog. I truly am evil--he'll never finish his thesis now! mua ha ha.