Stalking The Ol' Red Machine

Dear Readers,

Biased and Myopic brings you our first, and likely last, installment on The Great Canadian Non-Campaign. Tonight we welcome our senior field correspondent, L, who will give us insight into this madness of politics. Join us now for this exciting report.

The Editor.


Saskatoon, SK (BAM) – With only days left in a marathon two-month campaign and the polls looking increasingly poor for the Liberals, Prime Minister Paul Martin descended on Saskatoon to bolster the hopes of local candidates – well, likely just that one with the slimmest of slim winning chances.


The Prime Minister’s plane ‘Beaver Wing One’ touched down on the frozen plains shortly after 3:45 p.m. The entourage swarmed onto buses and set off to Wanuskewin to attend a brief rally, conveniently scheduled to start three hours previous.


Utilizing the journalistic skills acquired from a CBC documentary on the evils of the paparazzi, this reporter indulged in a little celebrity spying, sighting Rick Mercer doing some taping for his show.

Martin gave a stirring stump speech, oddly similar to all the ones shown on the news day after day. However, today’s oration included some interesting speculation (likely true) on the treatment of the Kelowna Aboriginal Accord by a possible Harper government and a couple jabs at Layton’s (poorly worded) ‘lend me your vote’ proposition.
In the dying days of a rough campaign, the soon-to-be former PM proved remarkably … well … umm … photogenic. The ol’ red machine still provides the best set of policies, but it is increasingly obvious that the voters will have to wait for a new driver and some shinier red paint.

L is a roving, faux-foto-journalist known for thinking his comments are witty when left on others’ blogs. He also thinks the coolest part of this adventure was meeting Rick Mercer.

A Public Service Announcement for Men Everywhere

Scientists at the University of Saskatchewan’s Synchrotron—the Canadian Light Source—have analyzed, quantified, calculated, and finally discovered that TAMPONS ARE NOT TOXIC TO MEN.

Yes, it’s true. And today, I will explain, in laymen’s terms, why you need not fear the TAMPON.

The first step to conquering fear is to understand the object of that fear. What is a TAMPON?

It’s a Q-tip. Yes, that thing you stick in your ear is the same as the thing we women stick in our chuchitas. Are you afraid of a Q-tip? No! It’s just a little piece of cotton on a stick.

Besides, the odds that you’ll have to face this scary wad of cotton are very slim. You are most likely going to encounter TAMPONS while still in a box. That’s right, guys, aside from being individually and hermetically sealed inside of plastic wrapping, they are contained in cardboard to minimize your exposure. This cardboard box is much like the box your cereal comes in, never fear.

So, what do the synchrotron scientists say?

“We’ve done a spectral analysis of the tampon and found that it does not emanate radiation, nor does it off-gas. We’ve discovered that tampons are actually vegetable fibers. Also, we teamed up with medical researchers who assure us that males cannot menstruate and, therefore, men need not fear tampons.”

So, boys, next time your girlfriend/wife/sister/daughter/mother is curled up in a ball, sucking down Advil, and she begs you to go to the store to pick up a 32 pack of Tampax, remember: they’re just Q-tips in a cereal box.

Diminutive Actor Ritually Incinerated by New Year’s Mob

At midnight, on December 31st, 2005, a mob gathered outside S— Place in Saskatoon to burn Tom Cruise in effigy.

The loudly hooting mob danced around the Tiny-Cruise before sprinkling his
tighty- whities in lighter fluid and setting him ablaze.

When asked, the leader of the mob explained the violence saying, “He had it coming. We needed someone to burn and we had a very small dummy.”




Other mob members chanted “Amphetamine, paroxetine, trazodone, valproate—help us to ameliorate!”

One man wept, “I was gonna be Katie’s baby’s daddy! It was gonna be me!” Just then one of the chanters administered Valproate and the man was silenced.

Police eventually arrived at the scene, just as the mob began jumping over the burning body as part of an Ecuadorian ritual cleansing. But when police discovered that it was Tom Cruise, the 44 year old actor, known for hits such as Taps and Endless Love, who was being burned, they took part in the ritual and joined the mob in Baby Duck consumption.