Diminutive Actor Ritually Incinerated by New Year’s Mob

At midnight, on December 31st, 2005, a mob gathered outside S— Place in Saskatoon to burn Tom Cruise in effigy.

The loudly hooting mob danced around the Tiny-Cruise before sprinkling his
tighty- whities in lighter fluid and setting him ablaze.

When asked, the leader of the mob explained the violence saying, “He had it coming. We needed someone to burn and we had a very small dummy.”




Other mob members chanted “Amphetamine, paroxetine, trazodone, valproate—help us to ameliorate!”

One man wept, “I was gonna be Katie’s baby’s daddy! It was gonna be me!” Just then one of the chanters administered Valproate and the man was silenced.

Police eventually arrived at the scene, just as the mob began jumping over the burning body as part of an Ecuadorian ritual cleansing. But when police discovered that it was Tom Cruise, the 44 year old actor, known for hits such as Taps and Endless Love, who was being burned, they took part in the ritual and joined the mob in Baby Duck consumption.