A Public Service Announcement for Men Everywhere

Scientists at the University of Saskatchewan’s Synchrotron—the Canadian Light Source—have analyzed, quantified, calculated, and finally discovered that TAMPONS ARE NOT TOXIC TO MEN.

Yes, it’s true. And today, I will explain, in laymen’s terms, why you need not fear the TAMPON.

The first step to conquering fear is to understand the object of that fear. What is a TAMPON?

It’s a Q-tip. Yes, that thing you stick in your ear is the same as the thing we women stick in our chuchitas. Are you afraid of a Q-tip? No! It’s just a little piece of cotton on a stick.

Besides, the odds that you’ll have to face this scary wad of cotton are very slim. You are most likely going to encounter TAMPONS while still in a box. That’s right, guys, aside from being individually and hermetically sealed inside of plastic wrapping, they are contained in cardboard to minimize your exposure. This cardboard box is much like the box your cereal comes in, never fear.

So, what do the synchrotron scientists say?

“We’ve done a spectral analysis of the tampon and found that it does not emanate radiation, nor does it off-gas. We’ve discovered that tampons are actually vegetable fibers. Also, we teamed up with medical researchers who assure us that males cannot menstruate and, therefore, men need not fear tampons.”

So, boys, next time your girlfriend/wife/sister/daughter/mother is curled up in a ball, sucking down Advil, and she begs you to go to the store to pick up a 32 pack of Tampax, remember: they’re just Q-tips in a cereal box.