A Stink for All Seasons: One Tutor's Struggle with a Great Stink; Or, Choose Your Own Stink Adventure: The Stink Dragon Strikes Again
Close your eyes. No, wait, don't close your eyes...read the rest of this post but pretend that you've closed your eyes. Imagine you are a dedicated little English tutor, unless of course you already are one, in which case you can just imagine yourself.
DAY 1: You are about to enter the room in which you tutor. Turn the knob. Push the door open. Inhale normally. What do you smell? Chalk? Dust? A putrid animal carcass? No, it appears to be human. Look around the room. Tables and chairs. What else do you see? Oh, there it is--the other tutor. There at the back of the room sits a fellow tutor from whom the most unfortunate stench is emanating. You've noticed all this in a matter of barely measurable seconds. Now you are just inside the room. You smile, say hello, introduce yourself. This Tutor is a kind, simple soul. You chat until the first student enters seeking help. You tell yourself this is a one-time thing.
DAY 3: You tell yourself they must've left home in a hurry and forgot about deodorant.
DAY 5: You tell yourself the tutor must be having a bad week.
Day 8: You tell yourself that they didn't get their last pay check and their water was cut off--no showers.
Day 10: You tell yourself that it's part of the tutor's culture.
Day 13: You tell yourself the tutor is one of those macrobiotic types that doesn't believe in putting chemicals in (or on!) their body.
DAY 15: It was NOTa one time thing. Every time you've been in the same room with this person they have stunk. You have noticed a steady decline in the number of students that seek tutoring on the day that this Tutor is here. Opening the windows, despite the icy temperature, seems to be the only option.
Day 23: You begin to worry that students entering the room will think it's you. Your stomach churns with every whiff of the acrid, pungent odor...
Day 30: You spend your two-hour tutoring shift thinking of nonchalant ways to pinch your nose. The stinky tutor seems to enjoy reading with one hand behind his/her head--as if he/she were being arrested (for indecent pit exposure, no doubt)--to better disperse her scent throughout the room. You can no longer cope with this situation, you need help.
POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS: Which Will You Choose?
* Tell the Tutor that they have a strong body odor and that you'd appreciate a shower and use of deodorant.
* Tell your boss that the Tutor has a body odor problem (which may be affecting student turnout) and let him/her deal with it.
* Lie: Tell the tutor you've noticed a strange smell in the room and can't figure out what it is. Maybe this will give the Tutor a hint.
* Lie: Tell your boss that you need to switch your shift to a different day.
* Lie: Create an anonymous e-mail address and, posing as a student, e-mail the tutor and tell him/her about their body odor problem.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
Suggestions are more than welcome, they are sought!
__________________________________________________
** To protect the innocent, let me assure you that the tutor of which I speak is not in the English Department of the University of Saskatchewan and does NOT work at the University Writing Center.
*** By the by, I did do some research regarding body odor. While some explain that body odor is caused by bacteria, others explain that the foods we eat are to blame (these would, of course, place the greatest blame on red meats and encourage you to switch to vegetarianism to avoind le stink). And then, not surprisingly, there are those who would have us all smelling like a vinger-garlic pie served on a bed of lutefisk: the Body Odor Rights Activists of Berkeley California (Their Motto? "Fighting for your right to communicate naturally: Deodorant Is Barbarism!"). And so we've come full circle--right back to my thesis: culture vs. nature. Damn you Thesis! Leave me alone!
If you've read this far, give yourself a pat on the back: that's some stellar procrastinating!
DAY 1: You are about to enter the room in which you tutor. Turn the knob. Push the door open. Inhale normally. What do you smell? Chalk? Dust? A putrid animal carcass? No, it appears to be human. Look around the room. Tables and chairs. What else do you see? Oh, there it is--the other tutor. There at the back of the room sits a fellow tutor from whom the most unfortunate stench is emanating. You've noticed all this in a matter of barely measurable seconds. Now you are just inside the room. You smile, say hello, introduce yourself. This Tutor is a kind, simple soul. You chat until the first student enters seeking help. You tell yourself this is a one-time thing.
DAY 3: You tell yourself they must've left home in a hurry and forgot about deodorant.
DAY 5: You tell yourself the tutor must be having a bad week.
Day 8: You tell yourself that they didn't get their last pay check and their water was cut off--no showers.
Day 10: You tell yourself that it's part of the tutor's culture.
Day 13: You tell yourself the tutor is one of those macrobiotic types that doesn't believe in putting chemicals in (or on!) their body.
DAY 15: It was NOTa one time thing. Every time you've been in the same room with this person they have stunk. You have noticed a steady decline in the number of students that seek tutoring on the day that this Tutor is here. Opening the windows, despite the icy temperature, seems to be the only option.
Day 23: You begin to worry that students entering the room will think it's you. Your stomach churns with every whiff of the acrid, pungent odor...
Day 30: You spend your two-hour tutoring shift thinking of nonchalant ways to pinch your nose. The stinky tutor seems to enjoy reading with one hand behind his/her head--as if he/she were being arrested (for indecent pit exposure, no doubt)--to better disperse her scent throughout the room. You can no longer cope with this situation, you need help.
POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS: Which Will You Choose?
* Tell the Tutor that they have a strong body odor and that you'd appreciate a shower and use of deodorant.
* Tell your boss that the Tutor has a body odor problem (which may be affecting student turnout) and let him/her deal with it.
* Lie: Tell the tutor you've noticed a strange smell in the room and can't figure out what it is. Maybe this will give the Tutor a hint.
* Lie: Tell your boss that you need to switch your shift to a different day.
* Lie: Create an anonymous e-mail address and, posing as a student, e-mail the tutor and tell him/her about their body odor problem.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
Suggestions are more than welcome, they are sought!
__________________________________________________
** To protect the innocent, let me assure you that the tutor of which I speak is not in the English Department of the University of Saskatchewan and does NOT work at the University Writing Center.
*** By the by, I did do some research regarding body odor. While some explain that body odor is caused by bacteria, others explain that the foods we eat are to blame (these would, of course, place the greatest blame on red meats and encourage you to switch to vegetarianism to avoind le stink). And then, not surprisingly, there are those who would have us all smelling like a vinger-garlic pie served on a bed of lutefisk: the Body Odor Rights Activists of Berkeley California (Their Motto? "Fighting for your right to communicate naturally: Deodorant Is Barbarism!"). And so we've come full circle--right back to my thesis: culture vs. nature. Damn you Thesis! Leave me alone!
If you've read this far, give yourself a pat on the back: that's some stellar procrastinating!
posted by Daniela at
Monday, November 06, 2006
7 Comments:
Suggestion #1:
An anonymous hairdresser told me this one: Place a roll-on deodourant in an envelope addressed to the stinky tutor and leave it in the room before the he-she arrives. Come late to the tutoring. If asked about the B.O. busting envelope deny, deny, deny.
Suggestion #2:
Enter room with bucket of water and bar of soap in hand.
Walk up to the stinky tutor.
Throw bucket of water on tutor.
After the initial shock, wip the soap at said tutor.
Finish with "You stinky stinky bitch (or bastard!)"
By
Lindell, at November 07, 2006
Tell them they have a B.O problem and that it is having a negative effect on class turnout.
If the problem persists inform your superior, alternatively you could contact Environmental Health or whatever you call it in Saskatchewan. Or pest control.
By
Martyn, at November 07, 2006
i think you should just switch your shift. there is no sense in putting yourself through that kind of misery. it's not your problem to solve. poor fellow/lass. he/she will have a very hard time getting laid. that might be the most tragic part of the story.
By
Lindsay, at November 08, 2006
the further along i got in your post, the more horrified i became. i was thinking "oh no! i tutor with daniela! i stink?!"
i'm glad it wasn't me :)
By
Fluffica, at November 08, 2006
hahaha Yeah, as I was proofreading it I realized that you and others from English might think I was referring to you, so I put in the disclaimer. :)
By
Daniela, at November 09, 2006
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
By
Daniela, at November 09, 2006
Hmm So far, Lindsay's non-confrontational option sounds the least frightening. Lindell's first suggestion would end thusly: the tutor, being in the sciences, will be able to analyze the envelope and the writing on it with a big machine that twirls "samples" at high speeds and will figure out it's me and will, with the same twirling machine, bottle his/her essence and spray me with it when next we meet.
Suggestion two will end with me throwing the soap much to hard, hitting the tutor's frontal lobe, causing apoplexy. And then I'll get sued by his or her family and since Canada is all about being inclusive of stinkers and non-stinkers, I'll be sentenced to spend a very long time in one of those nice Canadian prisons with better cable tv than I have now.
Pretty much the same scenario if I follow Martyn's advice to call pest controll--they'll spray her, kill her, and I'll be charged with masterminding his or her murder.
So, yeah, Lindsay wins.
By
Daniela, at November 09, 2006
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